What kind of life do others think you live? Do you really have it together? Do others think you do? Do the sunbeams stretch their little fingers out just to shine on you? Of course not. So why do we try to project this image for others?
My church growing up seemed to project this, the idea of
the Jones'. Everyone dressed in their Sunday's best and smiled and shook hands during the appropriate time. Everyone had it together, children lined up like ducklings behind them, husbands seated on one side of the crew, wife on the other. Halos positioned just right. Man, I never knew any better. "Man, these are good church people" I thought. "They really do have it together!" Every now and then something would happen though. I remember one such occasion, though there were many I am sure. The Children's Director who was always bubbly and cheery in the mornings was getting a divorce. (Breaks squealing..) Hold on. Was life happening at church? What happened here? I remember it being so shocking to me when I found out that her husband was cheating on her and they were soon to be divorced. I ended up being their live in nanny for a while after that. Those months were pivotal in me growing up as far as this viewpoint on life goes. No one has it all together. There are two sets of Jones'. The ones you see on Sunday, and the ones behind closed doors.
See the thing was though, because my church was not allowed to have normal people with normal problems, when those things were exposed (as if it were something really taboo to be normal with issues to work out) the people involved always ended up leaving the church. Now there are many reasons for this of course. The most important one in my mind was that our church was not set up for when the Jones' fell flat. We did not know how to support that situation. This was my interpretation - I was a teen, granted so cut me some slack if I don't go into all the other reasons.
Side Note: I now have a new church. My big girl, grown up church if you will. While I learned so much at my old church I have come to realize, by visiting others (many others), that not every church is the same. I am so glad I gave church another shot. I put this discussion in the context of my church because 1. This was where the Jones' lived in my mind and 2. In the outside world, the Jones' influence is not at traumatic and debilitating.
I say the Jones' live at church. I know we see the Jones' on commercials in their new stainless steel kitchen with a new flat screen tv across from the can in the bathroom. We see Mr. Jones driving to the golf course in his new BMW talking away on the most high tech gadgets. We see Mrs. Jones dropping off her children at the best private school looking fit and pretty on her way to the gym. Little Sue Jones has a cool iPod and cell phone even though she is seven, you know, for safety reasons. Little Jack Jones only sees the best college prep tutors because you have to get them ready young so they can get into the best Ivy League schools. You know what? That is the general image conjured of the Jones' but it is so much more subversive than that.
We see the Jones' when we look at the constantly smiling faces at church. We see them when we get coffee and ask how they are and they tell us the exact same thing they did the last four years. "I'm good!" There is nothing wrong with good. I hope everyone really is good. I hope we also know that when the rug gets pulled out from under you and you aren't good, you will say so when I ask you how you are. Tell me if your back is bothering you, or if for the life of you you can't stop thinking about how she could have done that to you, or the struggles you are dealing with on a daily basis that are chipping away at you. I know this is a lot while your getting coffee but I am no Jones. The Jones' shouldn't live at church. We should, and are, nurturing a place where we can come together and commiserate and learn from each other by making connections. My greatest hope is that we can foster this kind of church where the Jones' give way to the individuals. Real ones with real issues.
I say the Jones' influence is not as great in the outside world. This seems completely backwards at first glance. You would think that this is where the influence is the most powerful. This is where we absorb shell blast after shell blast, constantly bombarded with the message of what we must strive for or at least to present the appearance we have achieved. We have come to expect this from the world. Those of us who have reached a place where we are aware of these messages are also aware we need to try to resist them and refocus. I think the idea of the Jones' is much more debilitating at church. When you are gathered in a place with a bunch of people who you perceive to have it all together you begin to feel as if you are alone in your struggles. This is so much more debilitating than the commercial. It goes so much deeper.
I sometimes wish people would be so bold as to wear a name tag at church. Not just because I have so much trouble with names. In my mind this tag would read something like this:
Hi, My Name Is:Name: Not Mrs. Jones (insert your name here)
Been Through:
- Divorce
- Lifelong STD as a result of those choices in college
- Once I tried to run away but realized my kids needed me more than I needed freedom
Skills:
- Good Listener
- Can Juggle
- Ability go from 0 to complete meltdown in 10 seconds flat when left alone with my own feelings of ineptitude and inability to measure up.
I have come this far.
Could you imagine? While it is silly to suggest anyone do this what if we came just one step closer to being real with each other? What if we fostered a place where not only children, but adults and even (gasp) men could cry. What if we could be honest with each other so we don't feel as if we are the only ones in this whole building who are looking for something more than what the Jones' have. I don't mean a bigger TV or a better car.
Some of us go to church looking for God in some form. What we don't always realize is we are also searching for the community that comes with church. Some of us don't particularly care about the God part but realize we miss the connections that come from a church of believers. My hope is that my church will continue to grow into one where you can easily, without necessarily even looking, find both.
Thank you again to those of you at church who are supportive and honest. Transparency is so refreshing. I am glad I found this church and I look forward to breaking down the Jones'. Remember, if I ask you how you are, I honestly want to know.
p.s. If you made it this far even though I am talking about Church - good for you. See side note above. You are always, always invited to my big girl church if you want to try it on and see if it fits.
My crew right after Nate's birth. 
This picture actually has nothing to do with the post.
This picture actually has nothing to do with the post.
This is the face of a man who needs his sleep. This is a baby, about 1 week old, who is denying him that sleep. He looks kind of like a comic drawing here huh?
